Divorce - The Descent

Divorce – The Descent

I was trying. Trying to quell the crazy rampant thoughts that were running through my head, “You’ll be alone forever,” and the like. Trying to stop the constant dull ache of loneliness. I had been lonely plenty of times while being married, but with the assurance now that my husband (soon to be ex) was NEVER coming back, the well that was lonely had deepened by fathoms. Trying not be scared. But I was. Scared only by the unknown and by the question, “what happens next?” Trying to fix things I did not have the knowledge or financial wherewithal to fix. Like, the garage door when it broke. Trying to maintain my standing in the top 1/3 of my law school class. (I would soon drop to the top 1/4). And, trying to make a living on my own. Me, the law student, soon to be attorney, was working as a waitress at a Chili’s.

As soon as I started my training shifts at Chili’s, all my fears multiplied. ”Oh God,” I thought, “this is so hard, what if I fail as a waitress.” Now, more than anything, I could not fail as a waitress! I had already failed as a wife, as a woman practically, I could not fail at this. I must, must, learn to put the sprinkles on shakes properly and to kiss ass even when my life was falling apart.

I started smoking. I started smoking out of stress (and because the other waitresses were smoking out back), but more because everything, ever sensation had become dull. Everything felt the same. Just a dull ache. I didn’t feel happy or sad. I felt dead actually. Dead. I started smoking during my divorce, because I could definitely feel the smoke sending its fingers into the soft tissue of my lungs. I was to pick up many other bad habits through my separation and divorce. I was going to go downhill before I started to go uphill.

I wasn’t reading any helpful books on divorce. I wasn’t reading any blogs. I wasn’t doing anything to help pull myself through the emotions of divorce. I was just trying to get by, to feel something, to sleep at night, and bring home enough of a pittance to buy groceries.

I thought a lot that perhaps I didn’t want to be alive. But, that was a cop out. Nobody wants to feel pain sometimes, but that’s the way it is. You have to walk through the pain and come out the other side. I felt like my life was falling apart and in many ways it was. But, through this process my life would later fall back together again in perfect order.

As I was on my patio feeling numb (and, therefore smoking) one day, I thought maybe I should seek therapy. It was possibly one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself.