Un Marriage Counseling – AKA Divorce Therapy 101

Sometimes, when I look back I realize that dealing with grief and trauma is a life skill. Probably one of the really important life skills as you will be forced to use it over and over. If life is rich with joys at every moment, you can be sure it must include some tragedy. Now, at 36 (almost) I am pretty thankful that I was able to learn this skill – through the help of a couple of great un marriage therapists at the age 0f 25 as I was struggling with the issues surrounding my divorce.

I’ve said that just following my separation from my husband (soon to be EX), I felt numb. I recommend that anyone going through divorce make themselves comfortable with a few ideas. They are: The 5 Stages of Grief, The Spiral of Loss or Trauma, Depression, Self-Care, and ASKING FOR HELP. Why? Because, these ideas are going to be your touchstones, I promise.

For now, the basic course. (NOTE: Anyone dealing with Divorce will benefit from therapy and counseling and so will the children of Divorce – this is not, in any way intended to replace Therapy and God forbid that you would think it is).

The 5 stages of Grief or Loss – because a loss of marriage will be mourned in the same way as a loss of life. Even if you will still see your spouse, the “relationship” is gone and you will grieve that loss.

1. Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; “Who is to blame?”
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
3. Bargaining — “Just let me live to see my children graduate.”; “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…”
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, “I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time…”
4. Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die . . . What’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”
   During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer an individual up that is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”
   This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle. (from – www.wikipedia.com)

It’s good to know these things, so that you understand that the loss of temper you may have from one day to the next is completely normal. It will also help you with the undertaking of dealing with those emotions.

I’ll talk more about the other ideas, next time. But for now, some resources for Divorce.

I’ve found some great books at my local library lately. I checked em out – you could too.

Congratulations of Your Divorce – Amy Botwinick (insight into the process and emotions of divorce and how to come through to the other side happy and healthy)

The Divorce Helpbook for Kids – Cynthia MacGregor (if you have children this book is written for them to help them cope and adjust)

A Smart Girl’s Guide to Her Parents’ Divorce – Nancy Holyoke (This book is awesome for little girls, lots of pictures and full of information on divorce and coping skills)

Divorce Yourself – Daniel Sitarz, Attorney-at-Law (Do it yourself Divorce or filing your own divorce isn’t for everyone or for every couple, but this book is a nice primer to discover whether this is an avenue you may want to pursue).

Therapy 102 . . . Next Time (now go find a therapist if you are going through a separation or divorce – it will be the best thing you ever did!)

Divorce - The Descent

Divorce – The Descent

I was trying. Trying to quell the crazy rampant thoughts that were running through my head, “You’ll be alone forever,” and the like. Trying to stop the constant dull ache of loneliness. I had been lonely plenty of times while being married, but with the assurance now that my husband (soon to be ex) was NEVER coming back, the well that was lonely had deepened by fathoms. Trying not be scared. But I was. Scared only by the unknown and by the question, “what happens next?” Trying to fix things I did not have the knowledge or financial wherewithal to fix. Like, the garage door when it broke. Trying to maintain my standing in the top 1/3 of my law school class. (I would soon drop to the top 1/4). And, trying to make a living on my own. Me, the law student, soon to be attorney, was working as a waitress at a Chili’s.

As soon as I started my training shifts at Chili’s, all my fears multiplied. ”Oh God,” I thought, “this is so hard, what if I fail as a waitress.” Now, more than anything, I could not fail as a waitress! I had already failed as a wife, as a woman practically, I could not fail at this. I must, must, learn to put the sprinkles on shakes properly and to kiss ass even when my life was falling apart.

I started smoking. I started smoking out of stress (and because the other waitresses were smoking out back), but more because everything, ever sensation had become dull. Everything felt the same. Just a dull ache. I didn’t feel happy or sad. I felt dead actually. Dead. I started smoking during my divorce, because I could definitely feel the smoke sending its fingers into the soft tissue of my lungs. I was to pick up many other bad habits through my separation and divorce. I was going to go downhill before I started to go uphill.

I wasn’t reading any helpful books on divorce. I wasn’t reading any blogs. I wasn’t doing anything to help pull myself through the emotions of divorce. I was just trying to get by, to feel something, to sleep at night, and bring home enough of a pittance to buy groceries.

I thought a lot that perhaps I didn’t want to be alive. But, that was a cop out. Nobody wants to feel pain sometimes, but that’s the way it is. You have to walk through the pain and come out the other side. I felt like my life was falling apart and in many ways it was. But, through this process my life would later fall back together again in perfect order.

As I was on my patio feeling numb (and, therefore smoking) one day, I thought maybe I should seek therapy. It was possibly one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself.

Divorce - Separation

Divorce & Separation

If I thought that the initial process of telling my husband (soon to be ex) that I knew about his affair and that I wanted him out of the house was hard, I was about to learn exactly what hardship actually entailed. The day I asked him to move out, he did it. I believe he went to stay with a friend of his. It was hard for him to stay with his new girlfriend, since she was also somebody’s spouse. I stayed at home with the cats!

Now, I wanted this divorce. Not because my husband was a bad person, not even really because of his affair(s), but just because we really had nothing in common. Neither of us could truly appreciate or love who the other person was, because we couldn’t relate to one another. Immediately following our separation, I learned a critical love life lesson: Always ensure that you have a friendship with the person you fall in love with. Without that friendship, once the passionate love passes, you are left with nothing. Nothing at all. But, even though I wanted this divorce, wanted to end the lie that was our marriage, the separation was something I was not prepared for.

I could never have guessed at the loneliness that I would feel. Even though I had spent the majority of the past 7 years alone. The loneliness was deeper and riddled with questions that kept me up through the nights. Questions like, what if no-one ever holds me again? What if, no-one ever kisses me again. I know now, that these are all the lies, all the scary questions that your mind can ask itself. All the worst case scenarios, but it doesn’t mean that they didn’t cause me to ache at the time. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t have to play music all night long, just to get the questions to take a break and let me get some sleep. It also doesn’t mean that I did not rush right out and buy every newly-single woman’s necessity item, the body pillow.

I was also still completing my law degree when we separated. But now, the work of law school with all its many rigors was multiplied by my emotional fatigue, low level depression, and the fact that I needed a job. And, I needed it now.

So many things, at the time, were overwhelming and scary for me. I literally could not figure out how to resolve problems. Therefore, when the job necessity issue came to the fore, I was thinking about it as I drove home from law school, saw a sign for a Chili’s Restaurant at my exit and went in and applied for a job as a waitress!

And so, there I was. My marriage was over. I was a law student. I was a waitress. And, I had no idea what was next in my life.

Marriage

The Odyssey Begins and Ends

Well, before you get divorced you’ve gotta get married right? So that’s just what I did. I got married. When I was 18. To the man I met when I was 15, who was 5 years older than me. Who had sex with me when I was 16. Who asked me to marry him when I was 17. Who my Mother hated. Who my Father hated. Who flew me to Panama City, Florida weeks after my 18^th Birthday and eloped with me. Who was in the military. Who I was never really friends with first. Who I couldn’t have known who, because I was 15, then 16, then 17, then barely 18. Who cheated on me before we got married. Who my Mother hated. Who my Father hated. Who I married anyway! And, who was gone over half of our 7 year marriage fighting wars in foreign countries. Who tried to get me to attend an officer’s wives military etiquette class. Me. Me who had a fight with a priest on a bus from Seoul to Camp Long, when I was 18 (shortly after I became married).

Needless to say, I didn’t take the etiquette class. Maybe needless to say that I never learned to be his friend or he mine. Our marriage was more like a sexual contract. And that sex part worked out for a while. But, it wasn’t enough. He left again for Somalia and I worked on becoming an Attorney. I was in law school while he fought wars. The summer before I graduated, I was granted an internship for JAG, the Army Attorneys. During that summer, I developed “feelings” for a fellow attorney. My husband, as it turned out, had begun to “feel up” one of his co-officers. By the time he got back, he had developed PTSD and I was on the verge of a JD. We were barely recognizable to one another.

By this time, I had taken to driving up the Flat Irons in Boulder, Colorado to pray to God that I could have a divorce. The catch was, I didn’t want to be the bad guy, so God had to figure out another way to get me this divorce. Within a week of my first Flat Iron Talks with God, I found out about my husband and his co-officer’s “feelings.” I confronted my husband and asked him to leave our house. He did.

A few months later, as a student divorce lawyer, I would be filing my first divorce case. My own.